Kim Jong Un Comments On Rumors He Was Assassinated in Beijing

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Travis

Our sources from Pyongyang have relayed an official statement from the DPRK concerning Chinese Twitter rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has been assassinated.

“Upon hearing the rumor that our beloved Supreme Leader has been assassinated, citizens of the DPRK flooded the streets wailing, unable to control their anxiety and grief.  Thousands crowded the alleyways and the square in search of hope that the rumors were false.  Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un released a personal statement to assure his people that he is in fact unharmed.  Supreme Leader had this to say:

“The rumor that I have been assassinated is a complete fabrication.  I have never even touched another man’s buttocks, and I have refused all advances towards my own.  I brushed against my bodyguard’s once, but I didn’t like it so it doesn’t count.  This an imperialist rumor that should be ignored.”

The DPRK also announced that Supreme Leader’s PS3 is now off lay-away and he has already beaten every currently released title.

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The Terror of Tiny Town

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Travis

I would like to introduce everyone to a film that fills a very particular niche in the movie industry.  The Terror of Tiny Town. 

Tiny Man with a Big Drink

It’s a musical.  It’s a western.  Also, every member of the cast is a little person.  They have all of the classic western elements… little cattle rustlers who ride in on their little shetland ponies to steal the little baby horses.  It has little tiny bar fights, with little tiny cowboys.  The cast gives rousing renditions of little songs to delight the viewer and suck them in to their tiny little world.  Did I mention the entire cast are little people!?  Unless my research has failed me, this is the only feature film produced exclusively with diminutive thespians.  Why don’t you give them a li’l tiny chance and check out The Terror of Tiny Town!

 

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More coverage from North Korea

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Travis

Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has declared a national state of emergency after returning from the bathroom to see that someone has unpaused his Skyrim game without his consent.  Loyal comrades are reported to be throwing themselves in the streets in outrage of this affrontery. 

Official investigation is underway, with the military pledging full support in resolving this crisis. 

During the official conference, Supreme Leader took his valuable time to also deny reports that “Whoever smelled it, dealt it” but assert that he does support the official position “Whoever made the rhyme did the crime”. 

In unrelated news, a former bodyguard to Supreme Leader has been jailed due to reports of flatulation on Supreme Leader’s bean bag chair.

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Exclusive coverage from the DPRK after the funeral of Kim Jong Il

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Travis

Kim Jong Un has now been officially presented to the people of North Korea as Supreme Leader, with the full backing of the Workers Party and the military.  Exclusive coverage from our sources in North Korea reveal the Supreme Leader’s first actions at the helm of the DPRK.

“After the long procession to the tomb where his father, Dear Leader Kim Jong Il will be embalmed, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un spent hours tirelessly meeting with party members and tending to affairs of the state.  The Supreme Leader of the People’s Worker Party will now retire to his rooms where he will play Xboxu against South Korea, in an effort to unify the country.”

“Teabaggu!  Teabaggu!” the Supreme Leader shouts, as he swings his benevolent jowls back and forth after a glorious triumph in a Halo deathmatch”.  His late father, Dear Leader, was a cinematic genius.  Supreme Leader’s prowess is instead in the art of video games. He has graciously designed a console for North Koreans, called The People’s Box which will begin production shortly.  The first title for release will be “Run, Jump, and Kill Imperialist Americans” and will be issued to each citizen of the DPRK.

“When asked by an ambassador of his plans for managing the DPRK food shortage, Supreme Leader proudly took them on a tour of his Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza garden, and he has used his superior intellect to predict it will start growing Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas by spring.”

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Merry Christmas!

Posted on December 23, 2011 by Travis

Lately I haven’t been updating as much as I used to, and I wanted to leave a note to wish everyone Merry Christmas.  I also wanted to take the opportunity to share a Christmas movie… Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.  It’s old, it’s cheesy but it’s entertaining if just for the simple fact that it’s filled with stereotypical “alien” features from the 50′s and 60′s (like food pills).  Check it out!

 

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Online Poker with Strong Bad

Posted on December 12, 2011 by Travis

I have recently discovered a Steam game that surprised me.  Now, I’m not much of an online poker player (Or a poker player at all really since I sort of suck at the rules).  When I saw Poker Night at the Inventory however, I had to take a closer look.  It’s from Telltale Games, which I already have experience with due to some of their other well known hits.  I have been a Homestarrunner fan for years, and they were tapped by the Brothers Chaps to produce the Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People.  Yes.  Strong Bad is a character in Poker Night at the Inventory.  How can you pass that up?  I haven’t seen any updates for Homestarrunner.com for quite a while, but I can get my Strong Bad fix by firing up steam and logging in.

Along with Strong Bad, there is also that wierd Rabbit from Sam and Max, a character from Penny Arcade, and Team fortress 2′s big dude Tycho. Clearly I have my favorite, but it’s interesting to see the rest of these guys showing up.  Suffice to say, I was entertained.  It did get me curious about poker though.  I decided to do a bit of perusing and took a visit to Pokerlistings.com based on a recommendation.  There is a lot more to this online poker thing than I realized.

Now, I’ve already mentioned I’m not so swift with the poker rules, but a friend told me it’s not too hard to pick up Texas Hold’em, so I headed on over to the Texas Hold’em section, and sure enough… they have a list of rules, strategies and a ranked selection of places to test yourself online. It’s worth checking out, and with the holidays coming, you can relax a bit and entertain yourself in between hanging your Christmas lights and watching Christmas specials on TV.

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Zombie Outbreak… Disaster or Opportunity?

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Travis

I have been watching The Walking Dead. 

This show keeps me up at night. 

I am deeply worried that I will never get to experience a zombie outbreak.  I feel like I was made for such a catastrophe.  I use the word catastrophe in its most beautiful sense.  When poets and novelists in the early 1900s wrote of utopia, clearly they must have been envisioning the excitement and sheer joy of a zombie apocolypse.  In no other circumstance do you get to drive any vehicle you choose, in any manner you wish.  Is your dream to drive a supercharged Ferrari down the middle of the freeway?  Do it!  The previous owner is no doubt a mobile corpse now.  He won’t need it or miss it.  Have you always wanted to play indiscriminately with weapons?  Not only is a zombie outbreak the perfect opportunity, it practically mandates that you shoot everything you see. 

Before you naysayers chime in with “But… what if you get sick Mr. ‘Pocolypse Pants’… what then?”, I will explain one simple truth.  The only real disease you have to contend with at that point is whatever infection caused the outbreak of dead people shambling around your town.  The previous carriers of influenza, strep, colds, etc. are all now carrying nothing but the blessed Zombie virus.  Oh, the blessing is not on them, but on you… the intrepid survivor who gets to enjoy the thrill of breaking in to stores for cool supplies like machetes and shotguns.  When else do you get to say “Let’s break in to that sporting goods store… we’re running low on machetes.”? 

Survival is ultimately simple.  Carry a pack of one 1911 pistol, one 12 gauge shotgun, one scoped rifle (for entertainment) and a load of ammo.  Everything else is ultimately taken care of with one katana.  Why a katana?  They’re well made, durable, and have a very keen cutting edge.  With one katana you could easily pare down a herd of zombies, or simply behead them for use later (see scoped rifle).  An enterprising young survivalist could tie up a line of zombies and use them to pull his or her apocolypse sleigh.  With the help of a bulldozer, you’re essentially set to go trekking around the country.  You can drive over the zombies in your path, or mash them with your bucket.  Any vehicles in your way can be pushed aside at leisure.  Don’t tell me you’ve never secretly wanted to run someone over.  Well, during a zombie outbreak, it’s not only permitted… it’s down-right encouraged!  Relive the excitement over and over! 

Stand on the roof of a bus or panel van and pretend to give a rousing speech as the zombies all gather around.  Pretend you’re in the wild west and lasso some zombies.  The opportunities for fun are simply endless.  Chances are the military bases will be largely abandoned.  Now is the time to explore, and have fun with all of that equipment.  Steal a tank, and listen to the delightful noise of zombie bodies slapping the pavement as you careen in to them.  Without annoying humans to interrupt you, the world is your playground. 

Sadly, I am afraid I may never get to experience this utopia.

I fear I may never meet my life’s calling as a zombie survivalist.

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Exclusive New Picture of the Iphone 5!

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Travis

As a member of the blogging press I have been granted access to an exclusive picture of the Iphone 5.  As you can see, it’s impressively designed, and Apple remains in the forefront of innovation and cool, pragmatic device architecture.

Exclusive Image of the Apple Iphone 5

 

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What Do They Call “Little People” in Middle Earth?

Posted on September 19, 2011 by Travis

Modern people with dwarfism (like the most common achondroplasia form) call themselves either dwarves, or the more widely used term “Little People”.  So what would they be called in Middle Earth?  Dwarf was already taken.  Hobbit is indeed a halfling, or “half-sized” human, but they do not share the same physical properties as a modern Little Person.  Would an actual dwarf be angry when a non-bearded Little Person came running in to their mine?  What if said little person refused to look for gems?  Would the dwarves cast them out?  Hobbits were said to be good tree climbers, but I have never seen a Little Person in a tree, not even on “Little People Big World”. 

Hobbits prefer to be barefoot, but Little People enjoy wearing little shoes.  If a human had a baby that turned out to be a Little Person, would her husband assume she had cheated with a dwarf? What would happen if a dwarf or hobbit had a baby with modern dwarfism? 

If a Little Person drank the ent’s water, would they grow really tall but keep the same proportions?  Would they still call themselves a “Little Person”?  Sadly Tolkien never saw fit to flesh out this portion of his world.  It appears we will never have important questions like this answered.

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Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

Posted on September 14, 2011 by Travis

Everyone who was (or had) a child in the 90′s knows what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are.  They were heroes on a half-shell.  Crime fighting turtles that were transformed by a radioactive ooze, and given names by a rat.  This can all be forgiven.  What cannot be forgiven is that they were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  If you looked on the back of the packaging for the action figures you discovered that their ages were all 15, except for Leonardo who was 16.  The most annoying age humans have.  This is the age where they talk back to Splinter, and try to sneak cigarettes in one of the other sewer holes.  It’s the age where they get their driving licenses and get in to fender-benders in the Turtle Van because they were too busy cranking up their emo music to pay attention to the road.  In every iteration of this series they are teenagers, never growing up or facing real issues besides the Foot Clan and Shredder. 

I propose the Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles.  They come home to the sewers from their day jobs, after they realized there is essentially no income from patrolling around in the van all day.  Michaelangelo, having come to terms with his adult obesity from eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly pizza, wears sweatpants all day and works in a call center for JC Penny.  Leonardo has a failed marriage, having moved back in with Splinter after his wife discovered he has no genitalia.  Donatello was imprisoned for credit card fraud and now paralysed from the waste down due to being shanked in a prison riot.  Raphael is fighting his alcoholism with AA, but cannot hold a steady job because he sends inappropriate e-mails to women in his office.  At night they band together to patrol for the foot clan, but the foot clan doesn’t exist anymore because their parents put their foot down and cancelled their xbox live subscriptions when they sassed back. 

The Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles come with the Turtle Van playset, complete with an inflatable donut for Leonardo’s hemerrhoid.

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