I have been watching The Walking Dead.
This show keeps me up at night.
I am deeply worried that I will never get to experience a zombie outbreak. I feel like I was made for such a catastrophe. I use the word catastrophe in its most beautiful sense. When poets and novelists in the early 1900s wrote of utopia, clearly they must have been envisioning the excitement and sheer joy of a zombie apocolypse. In no other circumstance do you get to drive any vehicle you choose, in any manner you wish. Is your dream to drive a supercharged Ferrari down the middle of the freeway? Do it! The previous owner is no doubt a mobile corpse now. He won’t need it or miss it. Have you always wanted to play indiscriminately with weapons? Not only is a zombie outbreak the perfect opportunity, it practically mandates that you shoot everything you see.
Before you naysayers chime in with “But… what if you get sick Mr. ‘Pocolypse Pants’… what then?”, I will explain one simple truth. The only real disease you have to contend with at that point is whatever infection caused the outbreak of dead people shambling around your town. The previous carriers of influenza, strep, colds, etc. are all now carrying nothing but the blessed Zombie virus. Oh, the blessing is not on them, but on you… the intrepid survivor who gets to enjoy the thrill of breaking in to stores for cool supplies like machetes and shotguns. When else do you get to say “Let’s break in to that sporting goods store… we’re running low on machetes.”?
Survival is ultimately simple. Carry a pack of one 1911 pistol, one 12 gauge shotgun, one scoped rifle (for entertainment) and a load of ammo. Everything else is ultimately taken care of with one katana. Why a katana? They’re well made, durable, and have a very keen cutting edge. With one katana you could easily pare down a herd of zombies, or simply behead them for use later (see scoped rifle). An enterprising young survivalist could tie up a line of zombies and use them to pull his or her apocolypse sleigh. With the help of a bulldozer, you’re essentially set to go trekking around the country. You can drive over the zombies in your path, or mash them with your bucket. Any vehicles in your way can be pushed aside at leisure. Don’t tell me you’ve never secretly wanted to run someone over. Well, during a zombie outbreak, it’s not only permitted… it’s down-right encouraged! Relive the excitement over and over!
Stand on the roof of a bus or panel van and pretend to give a rousing speech as the zombies all gather around. Pretend you’re in the wild west and lasso some zombies. The opportunities for fun are simply endless. Chances are the military bases will be largely abandoned. Now is the time to explore, and have fun with all of that equipment. Steal a tank, and listen to the delightful noise of zombie bodies slapping the pavement as you careen in to them. Without annoying humans to interrupt you, the world is your playground.
Sadly, I am afraid I may never get to experience this utopia.
I fear I may never meet my life’s calling as a zombie survivalist.