Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

Everyone who was (or had) a child in the 90′s knows what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are.  They were heroes on a half-shell.  Crime fighting turtles that were transformed by a radioactive ooze, and given names by a rat.  This can all be forgiven.  What cannot be forgiven is that they were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  If you looked on the back of the packaging for the action figures you discovered that their ages were all 15, except for Leonardo who was 16.  The most annoying age humans have.  This is the age where they talk back to Splinter, and try to sneak cigarettes in one of the other sewer holes.  It’s the age where they get their driving licenses and get in to fender-benders in the Turtle Van because they were too busy cranking up their emo music to pay attention to the road.  In every iteration of this series they are teenagers, never growing up or facing real issues besides the Foot Clan and Shredder. 

I propose the Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles.  They come home to the sewers from their day jobs, after they realized there is essentially no income from patrolling around in the van all day.  Michaelangelo, having come to terms with his adult obesity from eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly pizza, wears sweatpants all day and works in a call center for JC Penny.  Leonardo has a failed marriage, having moved back in with Splinter after his wife discovered he has no genitalia.  Donatello was imprisoned for credit card fraud and now paralysed from the waste down due to being shanked in a prison riot.  Raphael is fighting his alcoholism with AA, but cannot hold a steady job because he sends inappropriate e-mails to women in his office.  At night they band together to patrol for the foot clan, but the foot clan doesn’t exist anymore because their parents put their foot down and cancelled their xbox live subscriptions when they sassed back. 

The Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles come with the Turtle Van playset, complete with an inflatable donut for Leonardo’s hemerrhoid.