Kim Jong Un Comments On Rumors He Was Assassinated in Beijing

Our sources from Pyongyang have relayed an official statement from the DPRK concerning Chinese Twitter rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has been assassinated.

“Upon hearing the rumor that our beloved Supreme Leader has been assassinated, citizens of the DPRK flooded the streets wailing, unable to control their anxiety and grief.  Thousands crowded the alleyways and the square in search of hope that the rumors were false.  Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un released a personal statement to assure his people that he is in fact unharmed.  Supreme Leader had this to say:

“The rumor that I have been assassinated is a complete fabrication.  I have never even touched another man’s buttocks, and I have refused all advances towards my own.  I brushed against my bodyguard’s once, but I didn’t like it so it doesn’t count.  This an imperialist rumor that should be ignored.”

The DPRK also announced that Supreme Leader’s PS3 is now off lay-away and he has already beaten every currently released title.